


Time To Talk

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [36]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 18:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15540156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: After their walk home from the Hunters Moon, Alec and Magnus take a little time to talk.





	Time To Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, yes, I'm still out of sequence, I just can't face writing 2x19/20 right now, so here's a post-2x20 thing instead. And I also don't give a damn about the official(ly stupid) timeline which I'm sure some of you are aware of by now... here is a little filler that may or may not get a second chapter at some point :)

Alec wakes with a start, trying to sit up to free himself of the constricting sheets of his bed at the Institute, ready for another day of missing Magnus, needing Magnus, dreaming up ways of getting Magnus back. But he's kept from moving too far by the weight of Magnus on his chest, his leg thrown over Alec's as though determined to pin him in place and keep him in bed.

Alec sags back in relief letting out a shaky breath as he closes his eyes, willing his heart to stop racing. He squeezes Magnus tight to him, concentrating on the feel of him here in his arms, lifting up just enough to press his nose into his hair and kiss the top of his head before allowing his own to drop to his pillow.

"Everything okay?" Magnus mumbles mostly still asleep, stirring slowly with kisses against his sternum, coming to a pause when he reaches his heart. "Alexander?"

Alec doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to put into words how he is feeling, scared he'd woken up to find last night was just his imagination playing cruel tricks on him.

He doesn't need to say anything. Magnus raises his head to look at him and already knows. And though there are still so many words that need to be said between them, Alec doesn't want to disturb this moment. When all he wants to do is be with Magnus, with Magnus giving him that same undivided attention back.

Magnus shifts up the bed, cupping the back of Alec's head to swirl his thumb behind his ear as he kisses him, the softness of it closing Alec's eyes again as he sweeps his hands up his back. And then Magnus is pulling away, rolling and dragging Alec with him until they're face to face, side by side, hands clasped together on the sheets between them.

The familiarity of silk against the back of his hand instead of the scratchy material of his own bed sheets leaves Alec shuddering out another breath for how lost he's felt without Magnus.

"I don't know if I could have gone another day without you," Magnus says quietly, first without making eye contact, and then sucking in an audible breath before lifting his head.

Out of nowhere, or perhaps long overdue, tears begin to sting Alec's eyes, snatching them away from staring back at Magnus as he wriggles down the bed to hide his face in his chest. He doesn't mean to let out a choked out gasp when Magnus shifts just enough to get his arms around him, nor does he mean to be frantically shaking his head back and forth scattering tears over his skin as Magnus tries to pull him back up the bed. Alec doesn't mean to do any of it, though it's not through fear of showing this _weakness_ he has for Magnus. It's that he doesn't want to waste a second of them being together being anything like sad.

"I shouldn't have—"

"We both should, and shouldn't, have done so many things about this," Magnus says before Alec can get any further, squeezing around his shoulders. "But we're here now. And—"

"No," Alec says quickly, shuffling back up the bed to his pillow and holding on to Magnus tight. "Magnus, no."

"No, what?" Magnus asks as he cautiously grips around Alec's hip.

 _He's scared of what I want to say to him_ , Alec thinks with his heart jumping in fear all over again for the idea of making _Magnus_ worry. It sends him surging across the gap between them to kiss Magnus hard enough to have him almost topple backward, though he quickly rights himself with a tighter grip on Alec's side.

"Magnus," Alec says with a softer kiss, "we're not… we can't just say, hey, this is okay now, we're here. We need to— _I_ need us to talk about this."

Magnus opens his mouth to speak, and Alec recognizes the expression, the one that tells him Magnus is cautious, and wanting to hold back. But they can't, not for this, not for what they've just put each other through. Alec is just about to protest when Magnus closes his mouth again and sighs, nodding in agreement.

"We do need to talk about this."

"Yeah, we—"

Alec's phone chooses that moment to start buzzing, and he is sure he sees a little light go out in Magnus' eyes. So he ignores it, shuffles closer and kisses him blocking the noise out. Though whoever is calling is insistent enough to keep trying, and it's on the third attempt Magnus grumbles against his lips and surges forward, knocking Alec on his back to snatch his phone up himself.

"Please. Answer it," Magnus says, deliberately not looking at the screen as he rolls back.

Alec doesn't want to. He doesn't want to know what's waiting for him at the Institute, to be given any reason to leave this bed. But he knows he has to. Alec stares at the screen as his phone begins to vibrate for a fourth time, and is relieved at least to see it's Izzy.

"Hi—"

"I won't keep you long," Izzy says immediately with a sing-song tease in her voice. "Say hi to Magnus."

"Izzy says hi," Alec says as he reaches out to slot his fingers through Magnus' against the bed.

"Good morning," Magnus calls, pressing a kiss into Alec's shoulder.

Alec stares back at him, the soft look in his eyes, and is hit by such a swell of love for Magnus that he tunes everything else out. He's aware, vaguely, that Izzy is telling him things that he really needs to be listening to, but can't. Not for the smile on Magnus' face or the way he settles back in his pillows as though he's telling him he'll wait as long as he needs.

" _Alec_ ," Izzy shouts with a burst of laughter when it becomes obvious to her he isn't listening at all.

"Sorry. What?"

"I was _saying_ , that everything is okay here. Patrols, reports, updates; everything is good."

"Izzy—"

"I gave a briefing earlier so that everyone knows to contact _me_ if they need anything in the next twenty-four hours," Izzy continues, obviously not planning on letting him speak at all now that she has his attention. "You need to be back here tomorrow. We're taking _Clary_ to Idris."

"For what?" Alec asks, immediately thinking of Jace, of his rune disappearing, and the sense that something is _off_. But he listens to Izzy telling him about the Rune ceremony, and even hears Jace in the background making comments to Izzy to pass on to him that make his cheeks heat with blush.

"Anyway," Izzy says after a sound that Alec thinks is her shoving Jace away. He's even sure he hears Jace cackling with laughter that fades for wherever he is going. "That's it. I just wanted to check in after I got your message, and let you know that everything is okay."

"Do I need to do anything? Now?" Alec asks, only half-remembering sending Izzy the briefest of messages when he and Magnus had left Hunters Moon last night.

"That's what I've been _trying_ to tell you," Izzy says, laughing again. "No, Alec. Take today and be with Magnus. Everything is fine here. You deserve a day off."

"So do you," Alec points out, hit with fresh concern for Izzy now that he's got headspace to. She's been working so hard, and these meetings she's attending for the yin fen addiction are helping, but Alec knows she's throwing herself into work so she doesn't focus on anything else. Alec makes himself a promise to talk to her about it when he's back in the Institute.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Izzy says with a tone of finality in her voice, and Alec laughs as she blows kisses intended for Magnus before she ends the call.

"You mean to tell me that I get to keep you to myself for an entire day?" Magnus asks as Alec pushes his phone back on his nightstand and turns over to face him.

"If you want me," Alec blurts out, regretting it immediately for the way Magnus' face falls, as though _he_ is the one that needs to feel guilty here.

"Alexander," Magnus whispers, back to that soft loving tone he uses with him, "I only want you. And I have no intention of doing anything but being with you if you have nowhere else to be."

"Just here," Alec says, sweeping his hand up Magnus' side before cupping his face, drawing him in for another kiss that they both sink in to.

When they pull back this time, hands loose on each other's hips and relieved smiles on their faces, Alec is hit with the need to just keep _looking_ at Magnus. And so he does, thumb swirling over his hip bone as he studies his face, sure that Magnus is doing the very same back.

"Should I get us breakfast? Portal us somewhere?" Magnus asks what feels like a long time later.

Alec shakes his head, kissing him once more. "I'd like it if you… took a day off from magic, considering how depleted you were yesterday. You scared me when you collapsed like that when you did."

"As you scared _me_ , when you felt whatever happened to Jace," Magnus replies.

He needs to speak to Jace, Alec thinks, his mood dipping a little, knowing something isn't right about what happened at Lake Lyn. But right now he has to think of Magnus, and only Magnus, so shakes his head and pulls him closer before kissing him again. It doesn't feel like he's going to be able to stop either, with Magnus only across the pillow from him yet still seeming too far.

"We're here now," Alec says, and Magnus nods in answer.

"So. Breakfast?"

"Are you hungry?" Alec asks, dropping his hand to sweep over Magnus' stomach.

"Not particularly, no. I just thought—"

Alec silences him with a kiss, pressing against him insistently until Magnus is on his back, and his hands sneaking around Alec to loop around his back. If they move from this bed to do anything, it's going to delay them talking. And who knows how many excuses will then fill the spaces between them so they don't have this much-needed conversation at all.

"Later," he whispers, and Magnus seems to understand everything he's meaning, simply nodding back.

Though Alec doesn't know where to start. He has a thousand apologies on his tongue if Magnus would hear them, but from the look on his face, he is thinking the same. So Alec leans in for one longer kiss then props himself up on one arm, spreading his hand in a greedy curl around Magnus' waist.

"I should've told you about the Soul Sword," he says, then immediately shakes his head for it. "I should have found a better way to deal with the whole thing. I shouldn't have let you have to find out from someone else."

"That… would have been preferable," Magnus admits after a moment of hesitation, quickly sweeping his hand up Alec's arm.

"Who did you find out from, anyway?" Alec asks then, curiosity hitting him at the most inconvenient time.

"Luke," Magnus replies, his own expression becoming thoughtful, "his sister. _Valentine_ had her, and was trying to restore it through her."

Alec nods, storing away more questions that raises for him, and tries to work out what he wants to say next. "Truthfully, I didn't know what to do for the best."

"I suppose even if you had announced its disappearance to the Downworld Cabinet, all they would have heard was the incompetence and deception of the Clave."

"They'd be right to," Alec agrees, hating that he'd been put in the situation in the first place but sure he will forever curse himself for not handling it better.

"The Seelie Queen would… have used that in her argument to break the Accords," Magnus adds, frowning. "Though she has proved she is willing to go wherever the power lies."

"The Downworld Cabinet is going to take a hell of a lot of work to rebuild after all of this," Alec says with a sigh, thinking of the progress they'd made so far and how this has torn it to shreds.

"And we will," Magnus replies with certainty Alec wishes he felt. "It will take time, but… I think this incident with Valentine has proved how all of the Shadow World is at risk if we don't work together, or only stick to our _sides_."

"I _wish_ I'd found a way to just… deal with it better. Involve you all without… without having it all blow up in my face," Alec says, imagining the chaos that might have descended with an uprising of Downworlders along with Valentine's attack.

"Were that to have happened, there would be those who would use the uprising as a reason to agree with Valentine's… ideals," Magnus adds, and though Alec hates to admit it, an uprising of any sort would have likely made more of the Clave want tougher sanctions on Downworlders at best, or at worst, be used by some to justify more of the Clave siding with Valentine. He's still trying to get his head around the idea that Consul Malachi had been on his side from the start.

"Would you… Magnus, if I had told you about it… what would you have done?" Alec asks, curious though not sure if it's a fair question or not.

Magnus' expression ripples, and for a moment Alec isn't sure he's even going to answer.

"Well. I would have needed to alert the rest of the Downworld Cabinet," he says, as though he's trying to work through what his thought process would have been if given the chance. "I am sure I would have had harsh words for the Clave."

"One or two," Alec says as he squeezes his hip, and Magnus raises his head up for a kiss.

"I suppose I might have reacted without thinking just as I did when I found out about the Sword anyway," Magnus adds, and Alec watches as his hand lifts, fingers playing with his ear where an ear cuff usually sits.

"Magnus?"

Magnus looks at him quickly, then darts his eyes away again, before looking back at him with a sigh.

"Had I not been so furious finding out about the Sword. Had I not felt so… _wounded_ by… by you not telling me," Magnus adds, and it makes Alec's stomach bunch up in knots, "then I possibly wouldn't have aligned myself, and the warlocks in my care, with the Seelie Queen quite as quickly. At least… I should have taken more time to think first. But I didn't—"

"I'm so sorry—"

"Alec," Magnus says, rolling on to his side, "we were both at fault here. And, I suppose, we were both doing what we believed was right at the time."

"It's… definitely easier to know what to do for the best now it's all done," Alec says, groaning to himself.

"Then… what would you have done differently, knowing what you do now?" Magnus asks, and it puts Alec on edge for wondering if this is a test, or if whatever he says now will pull them apart again.

But he has to be honest with him, and he has to be honest with himself, because how are he and Magnus ever going to truly work their way through this on words that are based on lies?

"If I could do over, I would, as Head of the Institute, have invited the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and all of the other Downworld leaders of the Downworld Cabinet, to an emergency meeting," Alec says, the simplicity of it now so clear in his head. "I would have expected you all to be furious, and potentially for you all to feel the need to form this Alliance away from the Clave anyway. But I would _hope_ that we would have found a way to work on this. To help… for all of us to have found a way to stop Valentine. Together."

"I suppose, as a representative of the Clave, it was your duty to protect the Downworld, by attempting to retrieve the Sword and Valentine without our knowledge," Magnus replies, and though his words are grudging, the honesty of them is there.

"For all I said about us keeping our personal and professional lives separate, I didn't… I couldn't separate it on this," Alec says, "even if that's what I was telling myself that was what I was doing."

It's true, Alec thinks, incredulous at himself. If he'd have been thinking about how he would deal with the representatives of the Downworld Cabinet including the High Warlock of Brooklyn, instead of whether or not to keep this awful secret from his _boyfriend_ , maybe his approach would have been a better one. He almost can't believe he didn't consider things from that angle until now.

"And if I had focused on the decision made by the Head of the New York Institute to not share this information with the Downworlders, I would have been angry," Magnus replies with a pinched smile. "I might have still seen the need for a Downworlder Alliance. But perhaps I would have thought clearer—delayed our initial return to the Seelie Court for longer—if I hadn't been thinking about how hurt I was that the one person I—that my _boyfriend_ —would willingly keep something this important from me."

Alec kisses him then, because the thought of all that _trust_ that's been lost between them is too much to deal with. Magnus leans into him, and they wrap around one another as though they can't get close enough.

"I suppose," Magnus says when they pull apart, though still punctuating his words with a further kiss, "that meeting you called at the Institute with us all. I suppose that could have been a step in the right direction had it not been for the Seelie Queen and her involvement."

"She always seems to get the most _pleasure_ from making everyone suffer," Alec agrees, struck with the memory of the mess that had been the aftermath of Jace, Clary, and Simon visiting the Court.

"If I had listened," Magnus says, with a world of apologies in his eyes that Alec's not convinced he's earned.

"If I had _talked_ ," he counters, and Magnus' face morphs into a rueful smile that Alec just has to lean in for the taste of.

"We could have handled this whole thing so much better. Both of us."

"Yeah," Alec agrees, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Magnus', "yeah, we could."

Magnus sighs against him, splaying his fingers wide on Alec's lower back and wriggling until they are pressed together as close as they can get. There are still more words to come from both of them about this, and probably so many other things. But in this moment, Alec squeezes Magnus tight and just lets himself _be_ with Magnus. Focusing only on the rise and fall of his chest, and the feel of his skin pressed against his own.

"I love you," Magnus tells him, soft, and loaded, and broken for all they have put one another through.

"I love you too," Alec answers, pulling him in even tighter, promising himself that whatever problems they face now, they'll figure out a way to deal with them right.

* * *


End file.
